Being Okay With Shutting All The Way Down

Summer is vastly approaching. And while I am a little excited about the possibilities, I sometimes secretly wish that I could just be 14 again. Remember the days of jumping rope, cheering, the ice cream truck and most importantly seeing that boy you were in love with everyday. 

 

Oh the thrill of it all. 

 

Fast forward, 25 plus years, and what you have is a different story. I look at my two children and I hope that they want the same experiences out of summer (sans the boy and girl). 

 

This year however, I had to shut down for the last 3-4 weeks of life. I found myself slowly imploding and visibly exploding. I absolutely couldn’t keep it together anymore. I started to feel like it was never going to be my turn at anything in life. 

 

While I will not go into any great details, I was just completely overwhelmed with everything. Being a good mother, being single (really single), being a good employee, being me and most of all being a great entrepreneur. I think one of the things that allowed me to keep going was that I had good people around me. My friends who truly know me were trying to help me push through this storm and I was trying to do it for them. What they didn’t understand was that it was the thunderstorm that was leading to the tornado. 

 

Then one day as I was trying to get back into the swing of things with my blog and my business, I just shut down. Not like a temporary moment where you need a day off. I mean like when you are physically moving everyday but nothing else is happening. You aren’t producing any good thoughts. Your responses to most things are robotic (at best). And you put your best semi-smile on just to please other people to let them know you aren’t dying. You can’t consumer any food. You are barely breathing. 

 

The hardest part of this whole ordeal was finally figuring out that you can be okay with being in this space. You don’t have to tell everyone, explain yourself and just go through your process. The best thing I could do was walk away from all the noise and be still and quiet. I needed to scream, cry, pray and smile all on my own. It felt un normal. It felt like I was letting people down, but most importantly, it felt like I was breathing again. 

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Top| H&M (Similar),  Jeans| Rag& Bone, Shoes| Aldo